Pain that Heals

So I get a call from my father on Monday. He calls my cell while I'm at work and leaves a message that he needs to talk to me. Usually that means he's sick. He has a ton of health issues. But his message is = "I'm not sick, I just need to talk to you." Let me give you some history.

My parents got divorced when I was 2 because of my father's consistent infidelity. The first time I saw him/met him was when I was 6 years old. I saw him again at 16 and after becoming a Christian at 18 - I confronted him asking if he wanted to have a relationship with me or not. He did - so we began to get to know each other. Before I was 18 - he would send the occasional card and give the occasional call. He always made promises but never kept them. He came to my college graduation in 1998, my sister and I traveled to his 3rd wedding in 2000 and he came to my wedding in 2002. All that to say, he would go back and forth between "I want to be your dad and have a relationship with you" to me not hearing for him for months at a time. When I did hear from him - it was "I'm in the hospital for another surgery." My father has literally had over 100 surgery's. He has high blood pressure, diabetes and has had a kidney transplant.

So when I hear my father's voice, I'm numb. We usually do the dance of "how are you? how's the weather? what's new?" That's it. But this time, when we talked (I, of course, had to call him back - though he promised to call back, he was like "I've changed." He goes on for 15 minutes saying he's at a new church and the sermons have hit home. He's caused a lot of hurt and problems and now he wants to be the solution. He says he can't change the past but wants to do something about the future. He wants to get to know his grandchildren (my sister has 2 daughters). He has NEVER seen Tia, talked to her or even sent her a $0.50 card. I'm okay with that - because I expect that from him. But this call gets to me.

Tuesday - all the emotions hit me. I'm pissed - afraid and sad all wrapped up. I'm rolling my eyes like "here we go again" he's making more promises he's going to break. He's looking to me to save his soul from the guilt he's built. The Christian in me says - go ahead, "take him back" - that's What Jesus Would Do. The abused daughter side of me says - RUN - get the HELL out of there!!!! I feel like the parent in our relationship. That's not my role. If he wants a relationship, it's HIS job to do something about it.

Please pray with me to be strong. My father's call awoke emotions I've worked so hard to move away from. I'm happy, content and very blessed where I am. But the little girl inside me longs to have her daddy......but the only Daddy that satisfies is Jesus.